Stud 4 stud, Femme 4 femme, are you a gay lesbian?

That sounds ridiculous, right? Of course it does! Yes, and despite the irony and downright silly sound of one being a ‘gay lesbian,' there are still some women (or girls) out there who can't grasp why two studs would want to be together. As always, two traditionally feminine women get a pass. And then there are the instances when one woman tends to flip flop between masculine and feminine or even androgynous. I've long since heard the groans of disappointment or the utter confusion when two women step outside of the stereotypical box of what a lesbian relationship should look like. All of it is crap. See, the majority of people, unfortunately will spend their entire lives trying to figure out what box they belong in and will work hard to stay in it for fear of what others might think they *gasp* step out. Maybe you're one of these people, maybe you're not. I truly hope that you're not but if you are, this is for you.

Stud. Femme. Butch. Lipstick Lesbian, and so on. All of these labels, all of these roles, whether it's the way you do your hair, dress, walk, talk or otherwise behave in front of others, there seems to be this constant worry beneath the surface when you so much as think of being different from who you "usually" are. Sometimes I want to blame it on youth but then I realize this issue isn't restricted to young women, it's across the board. The first time I heard a lesbian being called gay (in an unflattering way) was some years ago in New York City. I was young and rather new to the scene but even back then I knew something wasn't right about that. I was confused at first and then disappointed and the narrow mindedness of the person who hurled the ‘insult' against one of our own people. It's a shame but many people with this line of thinking don't even know what "being yourself" really means. Many of you will never know what liberation really feels like-what freedom is. You will live in a constant sea of worrying about what others think. You will never know what it feels like to wear whatever you want whenever you want, to experiment with looks, to be a top instead of a bottom or a bottom instead of a top (and admit enjoying it), to go a week without frontin'.

When are you going to be free enough to not follow trends and be defined by narrow cultural structures erected by others? In some instances I even worry more about the ‘aggressive' (AG) women more than the ‘femmes.' Some of you all are so busy trying to be hard you're letting others dictate what you wear, when you wear it, how you speak, how you address your girlfriend, or worse how much pleasure you allow yourself to be submerged into in your bedroom. Some of you constantly worry about your so-called image and whether what you're feeling/doing/wearing is AG or hard enough. When will you find it in you to do the hardest thing of all: be yourself and appreciate others who are unafraid to be themselves too? When will you learn that it's okay to be where you are? When I say be where you are I mean be where you are in life. Just because someone you're friends with used to identify as an AG but is now label-less, femme or whatever, doesn't make them less than you. It means she's free. Understand that it's okay to change. That's life. It's even okay to change back and forth. What matters above all is living a present and free life in which you are not always trying to fit in, one in which you truly live, grow, expand and open up to new things in your life and that of others. Here's to hoping you're not a prisoner of your past, your fears or your insecurities. Here' to hoping you get a taste of real freedom one day. That's liberation, baby.

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Comments

I agree with you. The box of the community is a strong and big guideline. I know for me it has been a journey for me to find the whole me. I struggled with what I am for a while, I went through thinking I should be a FTM because i am masculine, but finding a label like ‘stud’, helped me not get a not needed surgery. So labels can help.

Now that I have grown completely into my own skin, I don’t need labels, I love women. I love being a woman. I can date any section or personality if we fit together. The personality can be seen as a label, but sometimes it is to make oneself clear to themselves and others. So it can be a good and evil.

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