Love and Romance

Quite often I hear about people struggling to get what they want in their romantic relationships. I even have a signature character in two of my novels whose life story seems to be a shining example of how not to behave in a relationship. This character is Sadira, the lead in my third and fourth novels, Intimate Chaos and Tainted Destiny. Even though I created her, I have issues with this character because sadly, she represents a great number of men and women who are stuck in dead-end relationships and are either clueless or don’t have the courage to stand up for themselves or just get out.

With all of that being said, here are five ways to communicate better with your spouse/partner/significant other.

1. If you are at the point in your life where you want a long-term relationship, do not waste time with people who you are not compatible with (people who do not have all of the core values you need in a partner). I firmly believe that love is NOT enough to make any relationship work. I’m not talking about you wanting someone who has a certain hair color or who is a certain height; those are superficial qualifications. I’m talking about religious beliefs (if any), intellectual level and willingness to be in a continuous state of personal improvement. If you know that it is important to you to have someone who wants children, do not stay in a relationship with someone who is wishy-washy on the topic in hopes that one day they will change. They probably won’t. If you know that you struggle with monogamy but want a primary relationship and someone to share your life with, don’t date people who hold steadfast to traditional two-person relationship structures – date people who embrace alternative lifestyles that coincide with your desires. I go back and forth on the old saying, “there is someone for everyone.” Is it true? I can’t say for sure (no one can), but I would like to think it could be true if people would just be realistic about their situation, their wants and their needs.  Perhaps if more of us would be strong enough to let go of long-held beliefs or go against societal norms that have proven over and over to be in direct contradiction to what it takes for us to be happy—whatever those beliefs are, as they could be anything, the old statement could be true.

2. Don’t say yes when you mean no. Why do people continue to do this? Forget about lying to spare someone else’s feelings, say what you mean and mean what you say. Express yourself by saying how you feel and then tell them what you would like to happen as a result. Don’t tell your partner what you think they want to hear if it’s not the truth because in the end, you will only hurt both of you. To contrast point number one, if you know that you’re not at a point in your life where you want to settle down then be honest and say so. Don’t be selfish because you want to hang on to the other person. Don’t lie about your ability to be comfortable in a long-term relationship because you think it’ll hurt them by admitting the truth. It’ll hurt them more if they spend the next year with you just for you to then say “you need space.”

3. Don’t try to mind read. Just ask. If you have the inkling that something isn’t quite right with your partner, ask them about it and be specific. This isn’t the time to beat around the bush. You don’t have to be accusatory with your questions either, just ask with genuine interest and an open mind for the truth.  Don’t ask your friends what they think your partner may be feeling or doing based on your partner’s actions, ask your partner. It’s no one’s business but the two of you and bringing other people into your relationship is just asking for drama, especially if you go against the advice of your friends—now you have the potential of hearing “I don’t you so,” OR them looking at you and your partner in a different light because they know too much about your relationship.

4. Don’t threaten to leave, call your exes or to go out and find someone new. There is a difference between telling your partner what you desire (“I don’t want to casually date right now, I’m seeking a wife/husband because I would like to start a family. If you don’t feel the same way then we shouldn’t date because it would be a waste of my time,”) and (“If you don’t want me there are a bunch of other women/men who do!”) See the difference? The latter is mature, honest and specific. It gets to the point and leaves no room for misunderstanding. As well, pay attention when your partner responds. Hear what they’re saying and take notice of their behavior over the next few weeks. Actually, pay more attention to what they do than what they say because we have a tendency to hear what we want to hear even when it goes against actions.

5. And finally, don’t scream, use silent treatment as a way out of an argument or emotional/physical as a way to resolve conflict. Silent treatment poisons a relationship. Nothing ever gets solved and both parties get an attitude. Just say what you have to say and/or listen to what your partner has to say. If one of you needs five minutes to process the truth like an adult then take it, but don’t walk out or throw a temper tantrum. If you do that and just “forget about it” or “move on,” there is a great chance that argument will come back up at a later date because it was never resolved properly.

To be continued…

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I swear I didn't know the launch date for Equally Wed was going to be today. Just when I was talking about my wedding pictures the article comes out!

Check out the magazine here! I feel so humbled to still be doing interviews about my wedding.

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Isn't it funny how you find things when you're not looking for them but when you were looking for them they were nowhere to found!? Well, that's the deal with these pictures. I was looking high and low for them just a few months ago and couldn't find them. Yesterday while going through old files I stumbled upon the disc! Even though there are many pictures from my wedding floating around the net, these represent the digital version of our actual wedding album.

ALL photos by Joel Greenberg and Wendy Stewart photography. The venue is Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York. Hair by Visions Hair Salon of Mt. Laurel, NJ and make-up by Ginger Jones.

Click images twice to view full size. (thumbnail below and on attachment page)

"Want hundreds of tips to kick start, rekindle or preserve your relationship? Then get your hands on LOVE AND MARRIAGE: THE GAY AND LESBIAN GUIDE TO DATING AND ROMANCE by beloved novelist Cheril N. Clarke." – Sistahs on the Shelf

This title is $4.99 and available for Amazon Kindle, which can be viewed on the Kindle, iPhone (using the free Kindle app), your PC (using Kindle for PC) and other e-readers such as Sony via www.smashwords.com.

(Review continued)…Not only is Clarke the author of lesbian contemporary romance novels, she’s also a happily wedded woman of three years. That helps when perusing these helpful suggestions that list everything from scrapbooking to playing hide-and-go-seek to lap-dancing – all in an effort to keep the romance brewing.

The e-book is broken up conveniently into three sections: Getting to Know Each Other, Commitment and Marriage. Each pointer is marked with a symbol indicating the cost and activity type. As a word of advice, she states that you should make this book your own and not try to do everything at once.

If you’re on a first date or starting a new relationship, Clarke offers out-of-the-box plans for first dates. Things like taking a hot air balloon, having dinner in a castle, or walking under the stars on moonlight night will surely set a very good first impression.

For those in monogamous relationships, she doesn’t forget about you. To strengthen your bond, why don’t you take your girlfriend to a bed and breakfast or write her an old fashioned love letter?

And to cherish your union and combat the long-term itch of marriage, among Clarke’s hints are commissioning an artist to paint a couple’s portrait, having personalized china made, and attending a hedonism retreat.

By reading Love and Marriage, all couples should find something to fit their fancy – from the simplest declaration to the most elaborate arrangement. Clarke has your relationship in mind.

-

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They're not in the clubs. Are they quietly integrated in mainstream society? Do they exist? Where do you find the lesbian version of Taraji P.Henson? Let's see. I have been asked where these lesbians are on quite a few occasions and I suppose the answer really depends on how one interprets upscale. For one person, it may be a club that doesn't allow hats, boots or sneakers, and for another person it might be an event at which there is no need to print the words "classy" or "upscale" on the invitation because the stipulations (black-tie, formal, $$$ admission, etc.) and attention to detail automatically exude class (except for the $ part as having money doesn't always equal having class). Where can you find these women? Well, before I can even get to that I think I should share with you the lens through which I look. To me, an upscale woman is one whose conversation, diction, and intellectual level are superb. She pays attention to detail in her dress, smell, make-up, jewelry and hair—she looks polished. This woman is cultured, well-read, has depth of character, a personal value system by which she lives and has a disarming aura of grace about her when she enters a room. She turns heads but it isn't just because of her physical beauty! She is also emotionally mature, which is a big deal for me because a woman who is emotionally mature is at a point in her life where she can do as she pleases when she pleases and never feels the need to put others down because they behave or look different from her. In other words, she isn't stuck up! And though she won't party with certain people, she doesn't belittle them either. It can be hard to find all of the above in one woman but I believe this type of woman exists. Now where to find her is another story. Personally, I am a homebody. I put spending time with my family above all else. I don't like bars or clubs. This is why I am usually unable to answer this question for people when they ask. When I do go out on the town, I will admit that it's usually to a mainstream party like the NYE party at the Crystal Tea Room or if it is LGBT oriented, it's usually a fund raiser. See, I don't want to hear a bunch of ‘yo son' or ‘that b*tch is trippin' when I'm out. I generally don't want to be in a place where the only staff is bartenders and bouncers. I want a good time and I don't want to feel stressed out while doing so. I want service. Above all, I like privacy and intimacy which is why I usually just hang out with my wife and maybe a few close friends. Anyway, for those of you who view upscale as I do here are a few ideas that might lead you in the right direction. If you still can't find who you're looking for…well…let's just hope this gets your imagination going! -Look into charity functions by hosted by organizations Garden State Equality, National Black Justice Coalition. These organizations often have fund raising galas, dinners, picnics, etc. where you might meet other women (single or coupled) for friendship. -Go to upscale establishments. Try trendy, boutique, and posh restaurants with famed chefs instead of the chains and run of the mill bars. If you're in a small town where there is only one gay bar/club/safe space then this may be a challenge. -If there is such a thing as a gay-friendly membership only/country club near you, join it. If there isn't and you have the resources to create one then by all means, start your own group. Frequent art exhibits and galleries by LGBTQ artists. -Join an upscale dating site. There's got to be a gay friendly, upscale dating site out there that allows you to be very selective about the type of mate you'd like to meet. -Go on a women only cruise to somewhere other than the Caribbean. -Be the woman you want to meet. You might need to upgrade your wardrobe, conversation and overall presentation. All right. I hope that helps. Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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So you don't want to be typical and do dinner and a movie, eh? All right. Here is a list of things to choose from that are far from a typical date (for most people anyway). Some of these may depend on the weather while others do not. In any case, live, laugh and love! 1. Horseback riding – This is fun! Although if you've never been on a horse before be prepared for a little soreness the next day. I've only done this once but I do plan to do it again.

2. Scuba diving – If you can swim, why not? It looks like loads of fun. It's too bad I don't know how to swim or I'd try it. Maybe I'll try snorkeling instead.

3. Rock climbing – This is not particularly my cup of tea but if you and your honey are up for this type of work then go for it. After you've finished, take a bath together or give each other a massage.

4. Ice climbing – Same as above for my artic friends!

5. Classic: have a picnic in the park – This is how my 2009 Monica's Appreciation Day started–with the idea to have a private picnic in the park and have my wife serenaded by a violin player. It didn't quite work out that way when it all came together, however. I was in the middle of preparing for my play, Intimate Chaos, to open in Philadelphia and struggled with making this happen. With the help of savvyplanners.com, though, what this day turned out to be was no less than magical. Lead consultant, Marchino was on top of every single detail and I was thoroughly pleased with how the appreciation day went down. See the video below for photos!

6. Hiking and nature walks – Check out your local city, state and national parks. They almost always have hiking and nature trails. Pack a lunch with drinks and have a nice walk together. Don't forget the sunscreen and the Off!

7. Shooting range – Okay, so this is might not be ideal for some of you but it can be fun (for me it's relaxing). How about going to a diner for lunch and then hitting the range to shoot. You can do this indoors or outdoors shooting at clay targets. Who has a better eye?

8. Skydiving

9. Indoor skydiving! – I have not jumped from a real plane but have recently tried indoor skydiving at Orlando Skyventure. It was pretty fun. Even more fun was checking out the footage and seeing how ridiculous I looked! Ah, memories.

10. Hang gliding

11. Skiing – I have not tried this but I am determined at some point to get my behind on some skis and hit the beginner slopes. 12. Rollerblading

13. Ice skating

14. Bowling

15. A game of tennis, loser cooks dinner

16. Weather permitting, rent a couple of jet skis and hit the beach

17. Hang out under a tree in a park with a bottle of wine. – Cuddle and whisper those sweet nothings or pay a street artist to come do a sketch of you.

18. Camp out in your own back yard. – Build a fire and sit around it eating marshmallows or have an artistic nude photo shoot (you'd need to have a big, private back yard for this!)

19. Indoor water park – Fun for the kiddies! Fun for families with kids.

20. Go to a fashion show together and talk about what you thought was hot or not.

21. Check out your city's orchestra.

22. Museums! – There are so many museums you could do this once a month and still not see them all. Science, art, wax, bodies, weird stuff, etc., and best of all they're cheap. Grab a hot dog from a sidewalk café and go get cultured.

23. Go to the opera – I am not very enthused about the opera but I went because my wife wanted to go. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. If it's your first time, go with one that has English sub-titles. Check the performing arts schedule of your local university and start with shows there.

24. Have brunch at an ethnic restaurant like Makeda's to try a new cuisine and then visit an art gallery or photography exhibit. If you like something and can swing it, support the artist!

25. Check out your local open mic night and read something for each other if you're not afraid of taking the mic

26. Dinner theatre

27. Find and support a local musician at a hole-in-the-wall joint

28. Jazz festival

29. Seek out reggae festivals and enjoy the food as well as the music. Go ahead and by one of those rasta hats! Lol.

30. Do a photo shoot of each other in the park

31. Go to your local independent film festival

32. Go to a cook off – If neither one of you are worried about your weight, this should be a treat!

33. Rent a Log cabin

34. See a play in your theatre district

35. Volunteer – Literacy, meal, health, etc., projects – Check out volunteer organizations like New York Cares, etc all year round

36. Take a class together – Cooking, dancing, ceramics, woodshop, etc. These are often affordable and fun.

37. Go whale watching

38. Casino night in Atlantic City (or wherever is close to you)

39. Vacation with another couple – My wife and I have done this twice (with two different couples) and both times it worked out successful. We did a cruise to Bermuda once and a weekend getaway to Orlando the second time. This can be great if both couples click. If you hate shopping, chances are one partner in the other couple wouldn't mind going with your spouse so you can relax. Everyone is happy.

40. Billiards

41. Watch the sunrise/sunset together under a mountain – With hot chocolate or a glass of wine. Talk about your dreams and how you plan to make them come true

42. Explore unique hotels that you can also tour – Like the Ice hotel in Canada or this Tree house in Oregon combine one of these with a Travelzoo flight deal if you can.

43. Go to yard sales, garage sales, and to flea markets together – Find deals and be frugal

44. Snow boarding

45. Go to a comedy club. If the acts aren't bad it should be a fun night!

46. Laser tag

47. Minor (or major league) sporting event. Minor league is cheaper!

48. Zoo

49. And for those ultimate risk-takers: Bungee Jumping. If you both survive that then you're meant to be together.

50. Make a scrap book of all your fun times together. – Update it together and travel down memory lane with each new addition! **Post Update 1/10/10** I have a new e-book coming soon!

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That sounds ridiculous, right? Of course it does! Yes, and despite the irony and downright silly sound of one being a ‘gay lesbian,' there are still some women (or girls) out there who can't grasp why two studs would want to be together. As always, two traditionally feminine women get a pass. And then there are the instances when one woman tends to flip flop between masculine and feminine or even androgynous. I've long since heard the groans of disappointment or the utter confusion when two women step outside of the stereotypical box of what a lesbian relationship should look like. All of it is crap. See, the majority of people, unfortunately will spend their entire lives trying to figure out what box they belong in and will work hard to stay in it for fear of what others might think they *gasp* step out. Maybe you're one of these people, maybe you're not. I truly hope that you're not but if you are, this is for you.

Stud. Femme. Butch. Lipstick Lesbian, and so on. All of these labels, all of these roles, whether it's the way you do your hair, dress, walk, talk or otherwise behave in front of others, there seems to be this constant worry beneath the surface when you so much as think of being different from who you "usually" are. Sometimes I want to blame it on youth but then I realize this issue isn't restricted to young women, it's across the board. The first time I heard a lesbian being called gay (in an unflattering way) was some years ago in New York City. I was young and rather new to the scene but even back then I knew something wasn't right about that. I was confused at first and then disappointed and the narrow mindedness of the person who hurled the ‘insult' against one of our own people. It's a shame but many people with this line of thinking don't even know what "being yourself" really means. Many of you will never know what liberation really feels like-what freedom is. You will live in a constant sea of worrying about what others think. You will never know what it feels like to wear whatever you want whenever you want, to experiment with looks, to be a top instead of a bottom or a bottom instead of a top (and admit enjoying it), to go a week without frontin'.

When are you going to be free enough to not follow trends and be defined by narrow cultural structures erected by others? In some instances I even worry more about the ‘aggressive' (AG) women more than the ‘femmes.' Some of you all are so busy trying to be hard you're letting others dictate what you wear, when you wear it, how you speak, how you address your girlfriend, or worse how much pleasure you allow yourself to be submerged into in your bedroom. Some of you constantly worry about your so-called image and whether what you're feeling/doing/wearing is AG or hard enough. When will you find it in you to do the hardest thing of all: be yourself and appreciate others who are unafraid to be themselves too? When will you learn that it's okay to be where you are? When I say be where you are I mean be where you are in life. Just because someone you're friends with used to identify as an AG but is now label-less, femme or whatever, doesn't make them less than you. It means she's free. Understand that it's okay to change. That's life. It's even okay to change back and forth. What matters above all is living a present and free life in which you are not always trying to fit in, one in which you truly live, grow, expand and open up to new things in your life and that of others. Here's to hoping you're not a prisoner of your past, your fears or your insecurities. Here' to hoping you get a taste of real freedom one day. That's liberation, baby.

If you like this blog feel free to Share it. Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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Say what? Or rather, in general, “some people just love drama!” How often do you or someone you know iterate this statement? But is it true that some people just love drama? While I believe that due to their upbringing and environment, some people aren’t able to function without what most of us deem “drama,” I don’t believe that they actually like, much less love it. Outside of theatrical productions, drama is hardly enjoyable. It’s stressful, tiresome and fruitless. I think the people we tend to categorize as drama lovers are actually people who don’t know any other way of living. The only conflict resolution they might know is yelling, tantrums, cursing or violence. Chronologically, they may be in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc., but emotionally, they are still a child. Poor communication skills, lack of trust and the inability to resolve problems in an adult manner are the main drivers of drama, I think. So what do you do if this person is you? Well, my first thought is that you’ve got to know yourself and acknowledge that if you’ve had a string of chaotic relationships, the problem might be you. Self-awareness is your friend. A person who has poor communication skills doesn’t know how to speak or listen effectively. She might talk over you or only listen long enough to formulate her response, which usually just leads to bigger conflicts or misunderstandings. Has anyone ever told you that you don’t listen? If so, did you ever stop and ask them to give you examples or did you deny it and keep on talking? If you’re in a relationship with a person who is always talking over you and not letting you get a word in, have you tried refusing to argue with them or discuss anything further until they let you speak uninterrupted? In a future blog I will drop some tips for good communication that have worked for me. A large part of having a loving, lasting relationship is good communication. Another big part is trust (we all know that one, right?:). If you feel as though you can’t trust your partner farther than you can see them then you have to examine why. Who made you not want to trust anyone else ever again and why are you still letting that person control how you live your life? They are controlling your life, because if they weren’t, you wouldn’t have trust issues because of “so and so” or because “so and so did this to you and broke your heart.” You need to forgive that person and move on. Forgiving them is more so for you than it is for them. Forgive. Heal. Let Go. Move on. Problem solving and resolving conflicts in an adult manner, to me, go hand-in-hand with communicating well. If you are taking time to actively listen to your partner (includes reading their body language) when the two of you are having a disagreement, you should be better able to tell what might work to solve your issue. Would it help if you just backed off and gave them some time to sort through their thoughts? Would it help to just be quiet and let them say all that they have to say rather than keep interrupting them with a rebuttal? Do they need help labeling what they feel? Is a two-way apology all that is needed or do you need couple’s counseling? If you feel yourself getting upset during a disagreement try pausing for a moment, taking a deep breath and asking your partner to repeat themselves. You might have taken their words the wrong way and that one moment that you take to stop before reacting emotionally could spare you an evening filled with drama. If your partner said what you thought they said and it hurt your feelings just admit it. There’s no need to start yelling, carrying on or storming out of the house in a huff. Are you three or 30? There’s no need to go telling all your friends about it either (under the guise of asking for advice). People ask for advice when they already know the solution to their dilemma. They just want someone to take their side. That’s teenage stuff. There is also no need to purposely say something that you know will hurt them back. Instead, just tell them that what they said hurt you and you didn’t appreciate it. Chances are they didn’t mean to hurt or offend you-not if they really love you. Sometimes the truth just stings whether we like it or not. It’s not easy to do this-change the way you react, actively listen or compromise when you’re used to getting your way-as old habit die hard, but if you really want to get out of drama-filled relationships it’s worth the investment of your time. Life is so much more pleasant without drama. All the energy you spend arguing could be put to better use, you know? By no means am I a doctor of love but because I have written books about dramatic lesbian relationships I tend to get comments and questions from people in dramatic situations. What are your thoughts on all of this? Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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Are you supposed to marry your soul mate? Yes, no, maybe, it depends?

Most people I’ve come in contact with believe that they are supposed to marry their soul mate but is that true or are most of us confusing soul mates with life mates, thinking they are one and the same? Personally, I think most of us tend to confuse the two and I say that because though your soul mate is the one whom you have a natural affinity to, it doesn’t mean they are the best partner in life for you.

How many times have you or one of your friends complained that they haven't found the right woman or can't find the right woman? This is a frustrating point at which many of us will eventually find ourselves, but while some of us will continue to date the same type of woman over and over, others will actually stop, realizing that the reason they can't find who they want is because they haven't defined her. I mean, literally write down what qualities that are desired and which one are deal-breakers, unacceptable. A sample list of desired qualities could be any of the following:

-A woman who has good credit and knows what a FICO score is -A woman who knows which fork is the salad fork vs. the dinner fork

-A woman who is completely uninhibited in the bedroom

-A woman who understands that you and your child are a package deal

-A woman who is not into too much hair and makeup

-A woman who understands that lesbian love doesn't need to mimic that of traditional heterosexual roles

Likewise, a sample list of what is unacceptable could be any or none of the following:

-A woman who is emotionally or physically abusive

-A woman who chronically spends more than she earns

-A woman who does not believe in shaving

-A woman who is not comfortable unless she is in control and makes all of the decisions -A woman who has a child under the age of two

-A woman who has gold, platinum or otherwise decorated teeth

Lists are not the be all, end all in finding a suitable mate but they certainly are important and helpful. If you stick to your list, you could very well save yourself a lot of time and energy. If you make a list and decide to go against it for someone, there is a great chance that the one thing that bothers you about them is something you made a note about on your list (either they have it and you hate it or they don’t and you need it). You don’t want to be kicking yourself after spending six months or more with that person hoping they would magically change to fit your needs. If you know exactly what type of woman you want, what you will and will not tolerate, you will be able to cut down the time it takes to find her. But of course, you can’t really know who is best for you until you know yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses. Perhaps the first list should be to define the type of woman you want to be. What do you think? *If you like this entry, please share it.* Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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