Archive for December, 2009

They're not in the clubs. Are they quietly integrated in mainstream society? Do they exist? Where do you find the lesbian version of Taraji P.Henson? Let's see. I have been asked where these lesbians are on quite a few occasions and I suppose the answer really depends on how one interprets upscale. For one person, it may be a club that doesn't allow hats, boots or sneakers, and for another person it might be an event at which there is no need to print the words "classy" or "upscale" on the invitation because the stipulations (black-tie, formal, $$$ admission, etc.) and attention to detail automatically exude class (except for the $ part as having money doesn't always equal having class). Where can you find these women? Well, before I can even get to that I think I should share with you the lens through which I look. To me, an upscale woman is one whose conversation, diction, and intellectual level are superb. She pays attention to detail in her dress, smell, make-up, jewelry and hair—she looks polished. This woman is cultured, well-read, has depth of character, a personal value system by which she lives and has a disarming aura of grace about her when she enters a room. She turns heads but it isn't just because of her physical beauty! She is also emotionally mature, which is a big deal for me because a woman who is emotionally mature is at a point in her life where she can do as she pleases when she pleases and never feels the need to put others down because they behave or look different from her. In other words, she isn't stuck up! And though she won't party with certain people, she doesn't belittle them either. It can be hard to find all of the above in one woman but I believe this type of woman exists. Now where to find her is another story. Personally, I am a homebody. I put spending time with my family above all else. I don't like bars or clubs. This is why I am usually unable to answer this question for people when they ask. When I do go out on the town, I will admit that it's usually to a mainstream party like the NYE party at the Crystal Tea Room or if it is LGBT oriented, it's usually a fund raiser. See, I don't want to hear a bunch of ‘yo son' or ‘that b*tch is trippin' when I'm out. I generally don't want to be in a place where the only staff is bartenders and bouncers. I want a good time and I don't want to feel stressed out while doing so. I want service. Above all, I like privacy and intimacy which is why I usually just hang out with my wife and maybe a few close friends. Anyway, for those of you who view upscale as I do here are a few ideas that might lead you in the right direction. If you still can't find who you're looking for…well…let's just hope this gets your imagination going! -Look into charity functions by hosted by organizations Garden State Equality, National Black Justice Coalition. These organizations often have fund raising galas, dinners, picnics, etc. where you might meet other women (single or coupled) for friendship. -Go to upscale establishments. Try trendy, boutique, and posh restaurants with famed chefs instead of the chains and run of the mill bars. If you're in a small town where there is only one gay bar/club/safe space then this may be a challenge. -If there is such a thing as a gay-friendly membership only/country club near you, join it. If there isn't and you have the resources to create one then by all means, start your own group. Frequent art exhibits and galleries by LGBTQ artists. -Join an upscale dating site. There's got to be a gay friendly, upscale dating site out there that allows you to be very selective about the type of mate you'd like to meet. -Go on a women only cruise to somewhere other than the Caribbean. -Be the woman you want to meet. You might need to upgrade your wardrobe, conversation and overall presentation. All right. I hope that helps. Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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So you don't want to be typical and do dinner and a movie, eh? All right. Here is a list of things to choose from that are far from a typical date (for most people anyway). Some of these may depend on the weather while others do not. In any case, live, laugh and love! 1. Horseback riding – This is fun! Although if you've never been on a horse before be prepared for a little soreness the next day. I've only done this once but I do plan to do it again.

2. Scuba diving – If you can swim, why not? It looks like loads of fun. It's too bad I don't know how to swim or I'd try it. Maybe I'll try snorkeling instead.

3. Rock climbing – This is not particularly my cup of tea but if you and your honey are up for this type of work then go for it. After you've finished, take a bath together or give each other a massage.

4. Ice climbing – Same as above for my artic friends!

5. Classic: have a picnic in the park – This is how my 2009 Monica's Appreciation Day started–with the idea to have a private picnic in the park and have my wife serenaded by a violin player. It didn't quite work out that way when it all came together, however. I was in the middle of preparing for my play, Intimate Chaos, to open in Philadelphia and struggled with making this happen. With the help of savvyplanners.com, though, what this day turned out to be was no less than magical. Lead consultant, Marchino was on top of every single detail and I was thoroughly pleased with how the appreciation day went down. See the video below for photos!

6. Hiking and nature walks – Check out your local city, state and national parks. They almost always have hiking and nature trails. Pack a lunch with drinks and have a nice walk together. Don't forget the sunscreen and the Off!

7. Shooting range – Okay, so this is might not be ideal for some of you but it can be fun (for me it's relaxing). How about going to a diner for lunch and then hitting the range to shoot. You can do this indoors or outdoors shooting at clay targets. Who has a better eye?

8. Skydiving

9. Indoor skydiving! – I have not jumped from a real plane but have recently tried indoor skydiving at Orlando Skyventure. It was pretty fun. Even more fun was checking out the footage and seeing how ridiculous I looked! Ah, memories.

10. Hang gliding

11. Skiing – I have not tried this but I am determined at some point to get my behind on some skis and hit the beginner slopes. 12. Rollerblading

13. Ice skating

14. Bowling

15. A game of tennis, loser cooks dinner

16. Weather permitting, rent a couple of jet skis and hit the beach

17. Hang out under a tree in a park with a bottle of wine. – Cuddle and whisper those sweet nothings or pay a street artist to come do a sketch of you.

18. Camp out in your own back yard. – Build a fire and sit around it eating marshmallows or have an artistic nude photo shoot (you'd need to have a big, private back yard for this!)

19. Indoor water park – Fun for the kiddies! Fun for families with kids.

20. Go to a fashion show together and talk about what you thought was hot or not.

21. Check out your city's orchestra.

22. Museums! – There are so many museums you could do this once a month and still not see them all. Science, art, wax, bodies, weird stuff, etc., and best of all they're cheap. Grab a hot dog from a sidewalk café and go get cultured.

23. Go to the opera – I am not very enthused about the opera but I went because my wife wanted to go. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. If it's your first time, go with one that has English sub-titles. Check the performing arts schedule of your local university and start with shows there.

24. Have brunch at an ethnic restaurant like Makeda's to try a new cuisine and then visit an art gallery or photography exhibit. If you like something and can swing it, support the artist!

25. Check out your local open mic night and read something for each other if you're not afraid of taking the mic

26. Dinner theatre

27. Find and support a local musician at a hole-in-the-wall joint

28. Jazz festival

29. Seek out reggae festivals and enjoy the food as well as the music. Go ahead and by one of those rasta hats! Lol.

30. Do a photo shoot of each other in the park

31. Go to your local independent film festival

32. Go to a cook off – If neither one of you are worried about your weight, this should be a treat!

33. Rent a Log cabin

34. See a play in your theatre district

35. Volunteer – Literacy, meal, health, etc., projects – Check out volunteer organizations like New York Cares, etc all year round

36. Take a class together – Cooking, dancing, ceramics, woodshop, etc. These are often affordable and fun.

37. Go whale watching

38. Casino night in Atlantic City (or wherever is close to you)

39. Vacation with another couple – My wife and I have done this twice (with two different couples) and both times it worked out successful. We did a cruise to Bermuda once and a weekend getaway to Orlando the second time. This can be great if both couples click. If you hate shopping, chances are one partner in the other couple wouldn't mind going with your spouse so you can relax. Everyone is happy.

40. Billiards

41. Watch the sunrise/sunset together under a mountain – With hot chocolate or a glass of wine. Talk about your dreams and how you plan to make them come true

42. Explore unique hotels that you can also tour – Like the Ice hotel in Canada or this Tree house in Oregon combine one of these with a Travelzoo flight deal if you can.

43. Go to yard sales, garage sales, and to flea markets together – Find deals and be frugal

44. Snow boarding

45. Go to a comedy club. If the acts aren't bad it should be a fun night!

46. Laser tag

47. Minor (or major league) sporting event. Minor league is cheaper!

48. Zoo

49. And for those ultimate risk-takers: Bungee Jumping. If you both survive that then you're meant to be together.

50. Make a scrap book of all your fun times together. – Update it together and travel down memory lane with each new addition! **Post Update 1/10/10** I have a new e-book coming soon!

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That sounds ridiculous, right? Of course it does! Yes, and despite the irony and downright silly sound of one being a ‘gay lesbian,' there are still some women (or girls) out there who can't grasp why two studs would want to be together. As always, two traditionally feminine women get a pass. And then there are the instances when one woman tends to flip flop between masculine and feminine or even androgynous. I've long since heard the groans of disappointment or the utter confusion when two women step outside of the stereotypical box of what a lesbian relationship should look like. All of it is crap. See, the majority of people, unfortunately will spend their entire lives trying to figure out what box they belong in and will work hard to stay in it for fear of what others might think they *gasp* step out. Maybe you're one of these people, maybe you're not. I truly hope that you're not but if you are, this is for you.

Stud. Femme. Butch. Lipstick Lesbian, and so on. All of these labels, all of these roles, whether it's the way you do your hair, dress, walk, talk or otherwise behave in front of others, there seems to be this constant worry beneath the surface when you so much as think of being different from who you "usually" are. Sometimes I want to blame it on youth but then I realize this issue isn't restricted to young women, it's across the board. The first time I heard a lesbian being called gay (in an unflattering way) was some years ago in New York City. I was young and rather new to the scene but even back then I knew something wasn't right about that. I was confused at first and then disappointed and the narrow mindedness of the person who hurled the ‘insult' against one of our own people. It's a shame but many people with this line of thinking don't even know what "being yourself" really means. Many of you will never know what liberation really feels like-what freedom is. You will live in a constant sea of worrying about what others think. You will never know what it feels like to wear whatever you want whenever you want, to experiment with looks, to be a top instead of a bottom or a bottom instead of a top (and admit enjoying it), to go a week without frontin'.

When are you going to be free enough to not follow trends and be defined by narrow cultural structures erected by others? In some instances I even worry more about the ‘aggressive' (AG) women more than the ‘femmes.' Some of you all are so busy trying to be hard you're letting others dictate what you wear, when you wear it, how you speak, how you address your girlfriend, or worse how much pleasure you allow yourself to be submerged into in your bedroom. Some of you constantly worry about your so-called image and whether what you're feeling/doing/wearing is AG or hard enough. When will you find it in you to do the hardest thing of all: be yourself and appreciate others who are unafraid to be themselves too? When will you learn that it's okay to be where you are? When I say be where you are I mean be where you are in life. Just because someone you're friends with used to identify as an AG but is now label-less, femme or whatever, doesn't make them less than you. It means she's free. Understand that it's okay to change. That's life. It's even okay to change back and forth. What matters above all is living a present and free life in which you are not always trying to fit in, one in which you truly live, grow, expand and open up to new things in your life and that of others. Here's to hoping you're not a prisoner of your past, your fears or your insecurities. Here' to hoping you get a taste of real freedom one day. That's liberation, baby.

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