Archive for November, 2009

Say what? Or rather, in general, “some people just love drama!” How often do you or someone you know iterate this statement? But is it true that some people just love drama? While I believe that due to their upbringing and environment, some people aren’t able to function without what most of us deem “drama,” I don’t believe that they actually like, much less love it. Outside of theatrical productions, drama is hardly enjoyable. It’s stressful, tiresome and fruitless. I think the people we tend to categorize as drama lovers are actually people who don’t know any other way of living. The only conflict resolution they might know is yelling, tantrums, cursing or violence. Chronologically, they may be in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc., but emotionally, they are still a child. Poor communication skills, lack of trust and the inability to resolve problems in an adult manner are the main drivers of drama, I think. So what do you do if this person is you? Well, my first thought is that you’ve got to know yourself and acknowledge that if you’ve had a string of chaotic relationships, the problem might be you. Self-awareness is your friend. A person who has poor communication skills doesn’t know how to speak or listen effectively. She might talk over you or only listen long enough to formulate her response, which usually just leads to bigger conflicts or misunderstandings. Has anyone ever told you that you don’t listen? If so, did you ever stop and ask them to give you examples or did you deny it and keep on talking? If you’re in a relationship with a person who is always talking over you and not letting you get a word in, have you tried refusing to argue with them or discuss anything further until they let you speak uninterrupted? In a future blog I will drop some tips for good communication that have worked for me. A large part of having a loving, lasting relationship is good communication. Another big part is trust (we all know that one, right?:). If you feel as though you can’t trust your partner farther than you can see them then you have to examine why. Who made you not want to trust anyone else ever again and why are you still letting that person control how you live your life? They are controlling your life, because if they weren’t, you wouldn’t have trust issues because of “so and so” or because “so and so did this to you and broke your heart.” You need to forgive that person and move on. Forgiving them is more so for you than it is for them. Forgive. Heal. Let Go. Move on. Problem solving and resolving conflicts in an adult manner, to me, go hand-in-hand with communicating well. If you are taking time to actively listen to your partner (includes reading their body language) when the two of you are having a disagreement, you should be better able to tell what might work to solve your issue. Would it help if you just backed off and gave them some time to sort through their thoughts? Would it help to just be quiet and let them say all that they have to say rather than keep interrupting them with a rebuttal? Do they need help labeling what they feel? Is a two-way apology all that is needed or do you need couple’s counseling? If you feel yourself getting upset during a disagreement try pausing for a moment, taking a deep breath and asking your partner to repeat themselves. You might have taken their words the wrong way and that one moment that you take to stop before reacting emotionally could spare you an evening filled with drama. If your partner said what you thought they said and it hurt your feelings just admit it. There’s no need to start yelling, carrying on or storming out of the house in a huff. Are you three or 30? There’s no need to go telling all your friends about it either (under the guise of asking for advice). People ask for advice when they already know the solution to their dilemma. They just want someone to take their side. That’s teenage stuff. There is also no need to purposely say something that you know will hurt them back. Instead, just tell them that what they said hurt you and you didn’t appreciate it. Chances are they didn’t mean to hurt or offend you-not if they really love you. Sometimes the truth just stings whether we like it or not. It’s not easy to do this-change the way you react, actively listen or compromise when you’re used to getting your way-as old habit die hard, but if you really want to get out of drama-filled relationships it’s worth the investment of your time. Life is so much more pleasant without drama. All the energy you spend arguing could be put to better use, you know? By no means am I a doctor of love but because I have written books about dramatic lesbian relationships I tend to get comments and questions from people in dramatic situations. What are your thoughts on all of this? Follow me on Twitter @Cherilnc

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Are you supposed to marry your soul mate? Yes, no, maybe, it depends?

Most people I’ve come in contact with believe that they are supposed to marry their soul mate but is that true or are most of us confusing soul mates with life mates, thinking they are one and the same? Personally, I think most of us tend to confuse the two and I say that because though your soul mate is the one whom you have a natural affinity to, it doesn’t mean they are the best partner in life for you.

Brianna Anderson knows love and politics oftentimes lead to scandal, so she's covering her bases in LOSING CONTROL, the latest from revered author Cheril N. Clarke. The author of best-sellers Intimate Chaos and Tainted Destiny has delivered another captivating novel, this time following Brianna and her bid for City Council. In case you forgot, Brianna is the go-getter in Tainted Destiny who left Sadira to pursue a career in the public sector. Brianna is now running for office in Rockville, New Jersey, a depressed city marked by unemployment, homelessness and political corruption. Brianna’s intentions, while she doesn’t have much experience, are pure and motivated by lifting the fog of hopelessness blanketing the city’s poorest residents. Her opponent, however, is a woman led by pure greed. Three-term incumbent Colleen Smith, the councilwoman elected for three consecutive terms, wants to defeat the green candidate at any cost. Colleen could care less about her impoverished community, but rather reaping the wealth her position has afforded her on the backs of the people she serves. With the stones Colleen’s throwing, Brianna cannot allow her deepest secret to be uncovered and therefore denies her sexuality – even as her attraction is growing for city treasurer Pam Thompson. The pair meet somewhere along Brianna’s campaign trail, and are instantly drawn together. Brianna can’t help but feel something toward Pam, an intelligent, gorgeous woman, but indulging their feelings would mean Pam would have to deny something, also: her husband. And imagine the scandal that would erupt if Brianna’s opponent were to find out. She’s worked too hard, and there’s too much at stake for both her and Pam to lose. Clarke's Losing Control combines an involved love story with the behind-the-scenes action of a campaign. The romance between Brianna and Pam builds slowly, and takes a while to reach its peak – figuratively and sexually – but is worth reading to see how it ends. Clarke is proficient when it comes to the agony of love, and Losing Control shows what happens when the sacrifice is worth it.

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